Answers from the Fed?

 am pretty sure, as long as they (the feds) have total control, there will NEVER be any answers. It has been pointed out over and over again by  anyone that has the job of balancing the income with the checkbook,  that there NEVER EVER will be any answers, any reason to stand behind the promises of 'transparency' in any shape or form because of the laws passed in the FED's favor, and TO the laws dropped in their favor as well; there has been so much money made, stolen, NEVER having to have been reported. IF these guys who run the Fed are investigated for what they have REALLY stolen/made/bonus ed  themselves  (what a treat aye, giving yourself your own bonus)  with mountainous numbers of cash they couldn't carry it to the bank in a single trip with  a dump truck:,,,, they would all be sent to prison, tried for treason, and hung by a jury of the American people. If tried by their "peers" they will all run free. Think about it, that "jury of their peers" are those just like they are.
And politicians have diseased into incestuous brothers and sisters who once united under that sworn declaration to our Constitution that they would uphold the laws , and keep those who live by them to abide as well.  those who are in politics now, guilty WITH THE FED, of causing this financial fiasco in the first place, amazingly,  yet baffling and quite troublesome to think about, those same politicians who are now in charge of "overseeing' the fiasco were in the front row for the start of the tumble. What a wonderful country where you can then turn around and watch the hen house you raided for so long, to be in charge! To allow the free speech, to question the wrong doers, to stop others from doing the same....
All controlled by the Fed.
 All they have to do is donate a few hundred thou to a campaign and this year, it was especially good for them.... just donate and control,  INCLUDING THE PRESIDENT!!!,
Being THAT rich and THAT powerful, is hard to give up. They have had the control for a long time, it has always been a game. Is he who has the most toys wins. Elitists do not have slaves, they have employees at a discount, those indebted to them for some favor or another.
How powerful are they? They control the wars, they control the politicians, they control the news, and the newspaper, they  control the Internet, but that is another story. There are too many contributors, too many freelance reporters and columnists that they cannot control. They found this out with the blaze of the Internet. It took them actually a long time to realize it and take advantage as they have come to learn about it, but they too want control over the Internet. Just enough where YOU think you still have freedom to say and do what you want.
We are important to them. They need us. If their only source of income is from those tax slaves who are here in the USA, they need us. We provide them with the wealth they wallow in.
Thought, what if they wanted the new world order to create one massive working force who are all taxed, how much do they have THEN? what kind of games can they play? What can they create with their massive wealth collected from the peons of the world? I mean the people...
what kind of people I don't know.
with an entire new set of laws and rules and taxes, all I do know is it will be a people of total control....
It is like a game with them They have had the money for so long, never wanted for ANYTHING in such a long time that they play new games to keep themselves amused. What else to the have to do? Really? Go to work from 8 to 6 every day, fighting traffic, dealing with chit day in and day out of having to worry which bill to pay how much are they taking in taxes this time? The kids need shoes, what is the price of gas today? what will it be tomorrow? Will my measly few hundred bucks be worth the same amount next week as it is today? Can I buy the same?
Do you think for ONE instant that these people, the ones who were to blame for the cause of it in the first place, worry about the same things we do? They worry about some people WAKING UP and taking their country back the one that USE TO HAVE LAWS and they were ABIDED BY!
They are so used to being corrupt themselves, it is the norm for them, they might have been cautious in their early POLITICALLY illegal lives and practices, but it has become the norm now. Who really cares? I mean Obama says that our very own home grown terrorist who has since become respectable by preaching anarchy and how to blow up things to get your point across, is an okay guy. He was NOT the only president to have such low life or even treasonous friends.  who could do the job at least a tiny bit better?  The stench of the corrupt kills flies.
Yet they all seem to be so blatant, shoving the fact that they can do what they want , how they want , when they want;  even if we ALL KNOW it is illegal and against the laws that use to be of this land, they can still get away with it and they are shoving it in our faces every single day.
what happens next depends on if we simply give up and don't say anything nor demand to hold those accountable who are breaking the law, the laws of the Constitution and this SOVEREIGN country.
Those taxes we all pay each year, they do not go to OUR GOVERNMENT but to the FEDERAL RESERVE, and remember that the Federal reserve is a branch of the ... of the...ahhh....omg, of the NOTHING TO DO WITH THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT AT ALL, but a PRIVATE COMPANY who TAKES OUR MONEY, can DEMAND HOW MUCH THEY TAKE via taxes, and controlling the interest rates.... so THEY CAN DO WHAT THEY WANT WITH IT, and we have NO RIGHTS to have any questions answered about how they spend OUR MONEY... or who they give or lend it to...
they do not take our money for free, they pay themselves for it.


little tidbit for anyone who is reading this, i wrote this to my mother in April of 2009....
things dont change much do they? why wasnt anyone else screaming as madly as I was back then? I have noticed they are now, as our country is on the verge of bankruptcy, and we should all thank those we voted into the positions to fuck us all, without even asking if we would have liked a little foreplay..............

are you screaming now? are you doing anything now?  writing a letter takes about ten minutes out of your time and can really make a difference, and indifference can end up costing you and your great grandchildren about a million bux each, just to pay of the national debt..........you know, those taxes we all pay so our government can throw it all away and keep themselves employed with excellent wages at our expense.

I want to apply for one of those jobs.................

and would not change my convictions...............

I dont think they would like me much.................

and I can just imagine the headlines LMFAO...................

Team Ra-Ras Kicks Breast Cancer - Susan G. Komen for the Cure Philadelph...

Ok, lets talk...

I have to have my original birth certificate, not a short form, but my original long form birth certificate to do anything legal that requires my proving i am who i am..and so does EVERYONE else who wants to do anything legal or with business.
So I have but ONE question. Why is Mr Obama paying a few million to keep HIS long form birth certificate hidden from view? I mean what is the big deal? Show the damned thing and get this bs over with.
And what is up with all these czars (okay so more than one question) ?

And why do people keep saying if you are not for him you are bigoted? Hell, I have black relatives, never thought I was prejudice and certainly never bigoted. okay another question...
well while I am at it...
Obama ran on the change ticket, he told interviewers his big plans of raising the price of gas (well, that wasnt a lie) and dumping the coal industry, and this bullshit about global whining er warming...taxing bodily noises because of global warming? is that next? lolol I sure hope not, think of the devices we will all have to wear.... all these new regulations and laws... dayum..
whats up with all this?
why doesnt the american newspaper biz do some sort of behind the lines investigation? where did all the reporters with gonads go to?
What is happening to this country...
and now we are looking at this net neutrality crap, ahem, for our own good they say?
Where does all that money come from that they are bailing out failed companies with? Where do I get such a loan?

When you allow big brother to take care of you, you give up your rights to freedoms, you no longer have choices..

again, what is happening to this country?

music

I can remember where I was when John Fitzgerald Kennedy was assassinated, even though at the time I had no idea what assassinated meant, other than my mother fell to her knees sobbing while she was ironing the clothes standing behind the couch I was playing in front of, while watching Felix the Cat, a cartoon I despised for its pure stupidity, but watched anyway....not sure why....Most people are able to remember where they were when Neal Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin landed on the moon... I remember things I felt and the who, why, what and when it happened by songs....there was a time in my life when I could relate to this song, in about every way she sings about....love in the nick of time...bonnie raitt.... it first came out right after I left BRC, the first stanza was our relationship .... and it was wanting children, (me) that ended the relationship, four years after a severe stabbing of the heart, and after I got over the bleeding part,  I stayed another four years, and I discovered that I was quit piqued...problem was, it was at both ME and him.... men, whata pita and women too... life IS a bitch sometimes....I think to my newborn grandson, and back to the child that was taken from me, his insistence but my choice, I could have stopped it I guess, instead chose to say I did what I did because of him and blamed little of it on my very own choice...and it was my choice now wasnt it? Despite the threats of leaving me, of promises of complete avoidance, of abandonment, I chose his choice, and a condition of acquiescening and telling him I did what I was against because I loved him. this is one of those moments that belong in that fuxed up blog...:(
now fast forward, good songs never go bad, once you like them as a hit, you always like them, and I think you relate to a song by what you remember the words to be...
well now i relate and sing the song all for the last verse....its impossible not to remember why I once related so well to the first verse, but that last one, all those pains in life, all those worries, then you meet someone who does everything they can to help you forget that crap that happened earlier in life... and they really love you.... ever had that? where you always thought about someone that you loved?... did the simple act of holding hands turn you on? you lay in bed and want the light dimly lit so you can see into their eyes, when the body no longer looks like it did when you were 20 or even 30, and that matters not, it is something about the eyes, where you look into your lovers eyes, searching for their soul and you can actually see it, and that gaze takes you to another place, where nothing in the outside world can attain any type of closeness, and you talk about anything share everything that pops into your head as it becomes a thought,  and during that conversational intercourse, you make love and then talk again, and where recalling any of it from your memory, always makes your entire body flush with anticipation of the next time? Can you imagine it an every day occurrence? Where you hold hands and laugh and talk and share then make love every single day for the remainder of your life? imagine falling asleep in the arms of the person you are in love with....imagine holding hands being a great turn on.......
okay so many already have that... and you have no idea just how lucky you are... i just found that, and it is for the first time in my life...
now fancy that....except i dont have it every day..........
but I want it every day...............
have to work on that part.....
now fancy that .....

Zane Kaleb is here :)

the 13th was a busy day, baby shower for my daughter, about thirty or so people here, dont know what she DIDNT get, T's mom did an incredible job, and T's step dad too, and his cousin C, it was a very nice thing for them to do, i almost did nothing..they were incredible it was a lovely shower, and after the commotion died down and all were almost gone, we sat back and relaxed.
five am the 14th, valentines day, my daughter comes to me and is crying that her back really hurt, we cant get her comfortable and she is having contractions, like every one to two minutes apart, her tummy did not get as hard as mine did when i was in labor (which i never felt with either of my kids, yeah lucky me :) )... but i knew she was in labor, so off to the hospital we go. our local hospital sux, if you make it there, are sick, and still alive, they will transport you to vegas, closest hospitals are there, not sure what this one does other than diagnostic testing, which from my last post a few posts ago, come up with different diagnosis each time... so after the nurse tells me YOU DONT WANT TO HAVE A BABY HERE, (oh oh), my daughter is put into the ambulance with T and off they go, i am following, after i go get my mom and her car. i love my beat up old truck, but the speedometer took a dump and i have to guess my speed, flying to the hospital in worry i am sure i would go a wee bit over the speed limit and moms car has a working speedometer... so i pick up mom, she forgets her wallet, oh crap so we turn around and go get it, then we have to turn around again because she forgot her teeth, hey she was worried, i think forgetting your teeth would be a normal thing to do, but not sure about the wallet...
so anyway i make it to the hospital about 20 minutes after she did, she is in the room already, and the big panic that was here wasnt there, they were not sure if she was in labor, thought she was only 39 weeks and was sure they would be sending her home but they decided to wait and see. every three to five minutes and my daughter is having incredible pain in her back, and the alarms are going off and she is upset about being there and thinking she has to go home, she is talking first to her belly telling her son to come out, then crying in pain and then screaming at the monitors to shut the f up, well she was in labor, and i actually thought she would say more.. after she goes into a slight rage, i went to the nurses station and asked if there was anything they could do for her...and the nurse with the halo came to her and gave her some morphine which took the sharp out of the continuing contractions... they check her and she is starting to dilate to 3cm, then 4 and said she was going to have this baby today, the 14th of february, valentines day... so we wait...
after about half and hour or so the contractions are getting worse, she is saying this is the LAST one there will be no more, this hurts, why wont this baby come out, i will never get pg again, omg mommy i am so scared, dont leave me hold my hand, T dont leave me, omg cant they make this where it doesnt hurt...
soon she is given the block and after i hold her and talk her though that, she starts to relax, she said her body was "high" not her mind but the pain substantially decreased and she was even able to sleep a bit, when she woke up she said she was hungry but not allowed to eat. one of the nurses told me that usually means no baby, just false labor, oh great, tell me in front of her now she is pissed... but she is in labor, kept dilating by 5.30 she was at 6 cm, then at 7.30 she was at 9 then quickly 10. they started to get her to push and when the nurse thought it was time they called the doctor.. one two three four five six seven eight nine ten push push push breathe, that was repeated about a dozen times, then his head crowned. i watched the entire birth of my first and more than likely last grandson, it was the most beautiful thing i had ever witnessed, my baby giving birth to her baby, 7lb 2 oz, 21 inches long Zane Kaleb, so beautiful perfect ten toes ten fingers, two eyes, just one nose, tiny perfect ears, blond hair and well like all babies, blue eyes....we will see what color they remain or turn to.. future blogs...
well we go home let her rest, take so many pix share hugs and i get home and am too excited to go to sleep, i had been up since friday so what was another day? it was now early tuesday morning... i get a call from her early tuesday, momma i was feeding the baby (yeah she IS breastfeeding, i knew she would despite the protests, hell she was almost three when she was FORCED OFF the boob, and very healthy and smart, so i knew when she saw him she would do the same, it is so much better if the mom can breast feed)... and she said he vomited some green stuff, lime green, and they took him to the nicu and they were worried about him and doing all these blood tests said something about he was vomiting immature white blood cells? so i look it up on the internet, find NOTHING, and think okay something is funky somewhere... i race back to the hospital, takes me about 45 minutes with my foot on the accelerator, and i get there run upstairs and go to see her... we go to the nursery, i see him he looks great but has an iv for fluids (so tiny for such a thing) the monitors on his foot for bp, temp gauge thingo, and leads to other equipment but no oxygen (his uncle had to go through all that and more in the NICU for about nine days after he was born so i had seen babies in that situation before, and although i was 'use' to it, i didnt like it...)   we ask the doc again what is wrong with him, they said they thought infection of some kind but not sure, and something about his bowels but they were not twisted they just were not emptying out all the way, and again he says to me, he was vomiting his immature white blood cells....mmm i said what does that mean he says we think he has an infection and they tell me what they have planned, two days max for an answer...
well now it is 7 more days in the NICU, and they still dont have answers, she is panicky again, i am worried too but about her as well as the baby, but know that all will be alright, i have asked for prayers before, and am asking again, so if you do that sort of thing, include little Zane Kaleb okay???
happy that he is here and will post a pix when i find the damn usb cord to my camera...
v

well f*** ADULT CONTENT er words...

some might construe this word offensive, do not click on play :)

note* this blog has lots of a word i would not normally write in a blog...and again, if that word offends you, dont read this, and dont send me chastising email over it either, if you dont like what you read, stop reading it, and if you read it anyway and dont like it, here is my apology to you... tough bovine fecal matter :)....

today is saturday, and we are doing some spring cleaning after my soon to be son in law finishes cooking and then eating this marvelous breakfast he makes called churrisos? forgive me if i spell i wrong, i usually do bad with spelling. living in foreign countries can do that to you. flavor flavour theater theatre jail gaol... confusing right? mmmm just got some of this wonderful breakfast, and starting to sneek into the feeling better mode...

this portion of the blog is brought to you by the Fucked up family, starring "Oh Fuck, Fuck me, What the Fuck, You fucked up, I fucked up and We fucked up".... a bit of VERY public self analysis going to happen here, so i better not fuck it up anymore than i already fucking have. mmm gratuitous use of that word isnt it? 

ok we already know that i tried to "mess" up (fooled ya?) the more than budded relationship that began with JNF, also referred to as FFF by his friends, if i said mates, i would be giving too much detail about him, and those that know me can look him up on facebook, so its friends....(dont tell anyone, i want to keep his identity a secret). i had good reason, but no reason is a good reason when you love someone, you simply do NOT push them away, using cancer as an EXCUSE is also not acceptable, unless you have a secret desire to kill the relationship... FUCK UP for me, big time, guilty as charged.

 i could have made myself out to be someone i wasnt, but i didnt, that isnt how this relationship started, it was over the phone with hi vicky, J here, dont know if you remember me but i went to school with you over here in ozz... (oh f**k, did i just give more info out? again, dont tell anyone okay :) :) :) )... it never was a game, it was always honest, it became a great relationship first between friends who throughout the first year  chatted both online, over googletalk, and over land lines, talking about our lives, what we did, what we wanted in life and what we so far had obtained, we told each other intimate details of our lives and shared new ideas, thoughts, conversational intercourse in the truest meanings of both words ...i could read in FFF's words to me during the first dozen or so emails  that he was falling in love with me, and prob was for a while, i knew he had this fantasy about me from when he was a kid, he told me so. and omg that scared the fuck out of me literally! i was after my bachelors, attending online university classes, living a crazy life filled with drama and stress, and falling in love with someone who remembered me, searching for me and did so for 40 fucking years...he was so cute, sneaking in 'luv ya's and 'love u' in our conversations, a month after emails started, sign off was with love. and me always teasing him or attempting to stop him from loving me.. omg FUCK UP for me again, bigger time, ugh what a dumbass...

  now we had always planned to meet up, but i wanted to wait, for what? seeing that we are not in our 20s anymore, 50s makes everything look different... so brilliant me (FUCK UP again time), says wait until i get my bachelors and my teeth fixed (they have been destroyed because of the bladder cancer), and we agreed... and i know FFF wasnt too happy but was because at least he could see me in a few years.....it wouldnt take me that long to get my degree, fix my teeth and find a job, get INSURANCE for me and my kids, you know all the things one does as a responsible parent...and we still chatted and talked and emailed each other, it would be a breeze...right?...so i did as i always do and threw myself into school, sent him papers i would write for his critique, he never asked me to change anything that i could remember, always telling me great paper and i would not have thought about it that way  or i love the way you write, always complements, sharing what i wrote to other friends, even though i was looking for critique that was critical... it never happened....well it wasnt that long before he just had to tell me i love you, i think he might have imploded if he didnt. he already knew what i couldnt admit to myself, and shortly after, i admitted out loud so he could read it that i loved him too... yeah FUCKING A, i finally did something right for a change... or did i???

july comes around and i start to get weird, feeling very very exhausted, breathing becoming labored a bit, and words on the screen were starting to become difficult to understand, it was weird alright and i thought that i had just been doing way too much school, and needed a few days off where i didnt... but that didnt help me... i tried to go to classes, but was unable, didnt know what was wrong, but knew something was.. 

i got so bad, that eventually all i could do was make it to the floor (i have a bad back and a sort of blingy (lol) neck, so couches cause too much pain to sit in), attempt to sit up and then "go to sleep" not knowing i had until i woke up because i was passing  out! now if i was able to use my thought process, which was very hard to do, i had been slowly bleeding to death, and was not very aware of it, although i should have been, i would have known i was sick and gone to the hospital...not like there were no CLUES... i am 52 years old, thought i went through menopause a few years ago, but started passing blood clots (sorry if too much info) and pissing cherry juice and figured it was menopause, because i had hundreds of periods like that, and i didnt think i was bleeding to death, no i didnt KNOW i was bleeding to death. i was turning yellow, my daughter kept telling me mom you are so sick what is wrong with you mom? and i just sort of was there not able to ask for help because i didnt comprehend that i needed it ... i was no longer able to do anything on the internet...and that fucking sucked, because those i cared for and loved had no clue as to my well being or lack of it.... it was near the end of october or maybe even november before i was able to sit on the chair and type on the internet to my friends that i wasnt dead and tell them the 3.6 story... how can someones hemoglobin go down so low? FUCK ME! i made it...it was when all this happened that FFF was insisting to come over, and me not knowing what was going to happen both caused me to want him to come and not want him to come... awww FUCK!

back to FFF being here... we had a marvelous incredible unforgettable time, showing him where i live, riding 4 wheelers (and taking an endo that bruised him up pretty fucking good), shared ourselves with each other, in the biblical sense and it was incredible, it was like we had known each other since we were 11 :)....well near the end of his visit, i get this call from the docs, they found something in the left kidney when they did an MRI of my lower back... oh wow, had the cancer spread? FUCK!!! so brilliant me, tells him that maybe he will have a nice life with this woman he met and had that affair with.. but after dropping him off at the airport, i changed my mind thought WHAT THE FUCK? he said he was in love with me and i said i was in love with him, so lets see what happens, already beat the grim reaper once, maybe i could do it again...

FUCKING PISS ME OFF!!! he was supposed to tell the "other woman" about what had transpired between us, but well he didnt, (his excuse was he was tired) and i didnt know that i didnt have kidney cancer so maybe she was a second choice? dunno but he chats with me after he catches up on some well earned sleep (like 20 hours of travelling to get home) and everything is just great.. he tells me about this car he bought from his step brother, and then goes into detail about having to take public transportation to go get it... i explain to him why i didnt want him to see the other woman, he says he understands and i am fine.. he comes back from getting his new car, and says "CANT TALK B IS HERE ASLEEP IN THE OTHER ROOM" and click...

OH MY FUCKING GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!! i said fine fuck off i dont want to talk to you and click i am gone.

he said something about he just couldnt tell her to fuck off blah blah blah and the more he said the madder i got, yeah sounds like you are in love with me if you cant tell her shit because you are too tired... i blow off some emails to him telling him off explaining to his sorry fucking male ass WHY it pissed me off so bad, and then realize that i am so in love with him that i might just disappear into this damned depression i came flying out of after about 25 years when we met... told him i would not fly back into it, but he was the reason i flew out and could be the reason i drop back into it FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK ......... he fucked up, i fucked up... we fucked up

so it bothers me when after 2 years of chatting when he would im me in the middle of class in the middle of seminar all day all night to suddenly dropping off to cant talk, b is here sleeping in the other room... so after we get this fucked up situation behind us, tonight he tells me that his border is there and he suddenly cuts off the chat again... GRRRRRRRRRRRRR FUCKING GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, so i write and tell him that hurt... he says well i didnt want her to read anything...whatthefuckever.. like who gives a damn if she reads anything, and why the hell is she reading ANYTHING on HIS computer anyway? but he doesnt see it the same way as i do i guess, so cutting me off without a warning that went, she is here, am shutting down and click............ would that piss off anyone else besides me?

then to top it all off, he tells me that she says he is a dipshit (well those are my words but she meant the same) for having anything to do with someone he met on the internet, and dont come crying to her when he loses everything and she will say i told you so..WTF WTF WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why didnt he just tell her to mind her own business, she knows nothing of me or of us, just tell her to fuck off end of problem.. it hurt me to read those words typed even if she was the one to say them............so thinking back to now TWO strikes on the chalkboard, i dont have the time to chat with him tonight, i dont feel like it and i hope that it frustrates the shit out of him.. am i nuts or do you not do something like that to someone you are madly in love with?

i am not sure because it has been about 25 years since i was in a loving relationship and that ended up all fucked up.. then 20 years ago i married an alcoholic and dropped out of life...... that relationship ended about three years after it started, but i stayed in it off and on because i felt safe, killing off my life and desires for? shit i cant remember why i did it, but i am not there anymore, i want what i have found with this man... i just have to figure out how to be with him and not with him when i am away from him, am finding it way too fucking easy to get fucking hurt... this fucking sux.............................................

were you ever so in love? long distance calling....

there is this song by Hall and Oats, were you ever so in love you couldnt wait to get to sleep and dream about the one you wish was there beside you.. (the song is above here if you are interested:)..ever had a long distance love affair? i mean a true once in a lifetime if you are lucky, my life isnt complete without this incredibly special someone who lives on the other side of the world in a different hemisphere love affair? if so how the hell did it survive, or did it? let me know, i need answers, or at least thoughts and hints on how to keep this incredible love affair going ....
when i met JNF, it was rather strange, he was this young shy kid whom i went to grade school with and even sat next to for a very short while, like an entire week or so before the teacher who hated me due to the fact i was an "american" put me in the back of the room. JNF remembers me teaching him to write with both hands, maybe i showed him how to reverse image write or write backwards, they were games i played to amuse myself, moving so much when i was a kid, i found things to occupy my mind, making friends was not one of them as we always moved and leaving friends behind hurt too much, so i simply didnt make many. well JNF never forgot me, and i really never knew him... i started to get  to know him on my 50th birthday, when he called me and told me that he had gone to school with me...he even sent me this pix of us taken for a class photo, one i had never seen before, i knew who i was but still did not remember him or much about him back at the time he first found me. i also could not imagine remembering and looking for someone for 40 years... he found me through my brother, who had put something on a find your old friends site on the internet...he was charming and had all these wonderful things to share with me about his love for astronomy and creating ingenious inventions, he has all these ideas of three dimensional images for the blind to see, sculpts, loves to cook, grow his own ingredients, loves dogs (who crap on whatever he is using including the ladder rungs lol), and he is a fireman :) is adventurous, is funny, intelligent, strong, good looking, has crystal pool blue eyes, makes me feel so great about myself....nice eh? i thought so too... well eventually after about a year or so, he outright said "i love you vicky" and although i knew it was coming, it blew me away, actually scared me. i used so many excuses why he shouldnt, told him i weighed 900 pounds, told him of my teeth breaking and rotting away actually eroding is more like it, and at the time i didnt know that i had bladder cancer and didnt know why my teeth were being destroyed, but it didnt matter to him. he told me that it was important for him to meet me face to face again, that it was a desire he could no longer hold, and soon after my diagnosis of the cancer i gave into his wishes and said wtf, come on over and see me and we both agreed to see what might happen. he said time and time again, if nothing is there, we will remain friends, we both knew more about each other than anyone in either of our lives did, so why not meet up, even if we just remained the best of friends... before he got here, i admitted to him that i loved him too, all our chats and emails, it was impossible not to love him.
so late january, he came stateside...and it turned out to be an incredible 16 days. it was too short, and before he left to go home, i got this diagnosis of possible kidney cancer, and my life hit cement at the bottom of the pool and knocked the wind out of me... i was devastated, thinking how cruel it was that after i find the very first true love in my life, someone who actually and honestly loved me in the same ways that i loved them and i might not be here to live it with him........so i did something stupid, very stupid, i told him to take up with this gal whom he had met and had a brief affair with, that i didnt want to have him hurt should i end up in a bottle (i want to be cremated) and it killed me to tell him that, but i really did not want to hurt him, he is really that great of a guy... he told me that he didnt want to do that, he was not in love with anyone but me, and he wanted to take care of me...yet i tried to insist that he take up with someone who lived in the same country as he did. it was about 15 minutes after i could no longer see him across the way going into the security section of the airport to be felt up by our airport security, that i changed my mind, i didnt want him to find anyone else, i wanted to be the one, no one else, and even though what i wanted was very selfish, i couldnt let him go... how cruel to want him and at the time thinking i had kidney cancer, and since it came so fast after the bladder cancer, i might not be here long and  wanting to be with him  made me feel guilty but i figured i could live with the guilt, i wanted to be with him, even to the point of taking my last breath in his arms....soooooooooooo i called him on the phone, but he couldnt answer it, so i called my daughter and asked that she text him a message for me, which she did, and i told him through her NOT to take up with the other lady, that i wanted to be with him as much as he did with me... then a few days later, i found out that it was not kidney cancer, that was great news and i started making all these plans about going to visit him, and see his life over in Ozz and let this first true love of mine show me his world, he had already peeked into mine....