there is this song by Hall and Oats, were you ever so in love you couldnt wait to get to sleep and dream about the one you wish was there beside you.. (the song is above here if you are interested:)..ever had a long distance love affair? i mean a true once in a lifetime if you are lucky, my life isnt complete without this incredibly special someone who lives on the other side of the world in a different hemisphere love affair? if so how the hell did it survive, or did it? let me know, i need answers, or at least thoughts and hints on how to keep this incredible love affair going ....
when i met JNF, it was rather strange, he was this young shy kid whom i went to grade school with and even sat next to for a very short while, like an entire week or so before the teacher who hated me due to the fact i was an "american" put me in the back of the room. JNF remembers me teaching him to write with both hands, maybe i showed him how to reverse image write or write backwards, they were games i played to amuse myself, moving so much when i was a kid, i found things to occupy my mind, making friends was not one of them as we always moved and leaving friends behind hurt too much, so i simply didnt make many. well JNF never forgot me, and i really never knew him... i started to get to know him on my 50th birthday, when he called me and told me that he had gone to school with me...he even sent me this pix of us taken for a class photo, one i had never seen before, i knew who i was but still did not remember him or much about him back at the time he first found me. i also could not imagine remembering and looking for someone for 40 years... he found me through my brother, who had put something on a find your old friends site on the internet...he was charming and had all these wonderful things to share with me about his love for astronomy and creating ingenious inventions, he has all these ideas of three dimensional images for the blind to see, sculpts, loves to cook, grow his own ingredients, loves dogs (who crap on whatever he is using including the ladder rungs lol), and he is a fireman :) is adventurous, is funny, intelligent, strong, good looking, has crystal pool blue eyes, makes me feel so great about myself....nice eh? i thought so too... well eventually after about a year or so, he outright said "i love you vicky" and although i knew it was coming, it blew me away, actually scared me. i used so many excuses why he shouldnt, told him i weighed 900 pounds, told him of my teeth breaking and rotting away actually eroding is more like it, and at the time i didnt know that i had bladder cancer and didnt know why my teeth were being destroyed, but it didnt matter to him. he told me that it was important for him to meet me face to face again, that it was a desire he could no longer hold, and soon after my diagnosis of the cancer i gave into his wishes and said wtf, come on over and see me and we both agreed to see what might happen. he said time and time again, if nothing is there, we will remain friends, we both knew more about each other than anyone in either of our lives did, so why not meet up, even if we just remained the best of friends... before he got here, i admitted to him that i loved him too, all our chats and emails, it was impossible not to love him.
so late january, he came stateside...and it turned out to be an incredible 16 days. it was too short, and before he left to go home, i got this diagnosis of possible kidney cancer, and my life hit cement at the bottom of the pool and knocked the wind out of me... i was devastated, thinking how cruel it was that after i find the very first true love in my life, someone who actually and honestly loved me in the same ways that i loved them and i might not be here to live it with him........so i did something stupid, very stupid, i told him to take up with this gal whom he had met and had a brief affair with, that i didnt want to have him hurt should i end up in a bottle (i want to be cremated) and it killed me to tell him that, but i really did not want to hurt him, he is really that great of a guy... he told me that he didnt want to do that, he was not in love with anyone but me, and he wanted to take care of me...yet i tried to insist that he take up with someone who lived in the same country as he did. it was about 15 minutes after i could no longer see him across the way going into the security section of the airport to be felt up by our airport security, that i changed my mind, i didnt want him to find anyone else, i wanted to be the one, no one else, and even though what i wanted was very selfish, i couldnt let him go... how cruel to want him and at the time thinking i had kidney cancer, and since it came so fast after the bladder cancer, i might not be here long and wanting to be with him made me feel guilty but i figured i could live with the guilt, i wanted to be with him, even to the point of taking my last breath in his arms....soooooooooooo i called him on the phone, but he couldnt answer it, so i called my daughter and asked that she text him a message for me, which she did, and i told him through her NOT to take up with the other lady, that i wanted to be with him as much as he did with me... then a few days later, i found out that it was not kidney cancer, that was great news and i started making all these plans about going to visit him, and see his life over in Ozz and let this first true love of mine show me his world, he had already peeked into mine....
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