some might construe this word offensive, do not click on play :)
note* this blog has lots of a word i would not normally write in a blog...and again, if that word offends you, dont read this, and dont send me chastising email over it either, if you dont like what you read, stop reading it, and if you read it anyway and dont like it, here is my apology to you... tough bovine fecal matter :)....
today is saturday, and we are doing some spring cleaning after my soon to be son in law finishes cooking and then eating this marvelous breakfast he makes called churrisos? forgive me if i spell i wrong, i usually do bad with spelling. living in foreign countries can do that to you. flavor flavour theater theatre jail gaol... confusing right? mmmm just got some of this wonderful breakfast, and starting to sneek into the feeling better mode...
this portion of the blog is brought to you by the Fucked up family, starring "Oh Fuck, Fuck me, What the Fuck, You fucked up, I fucked up and We fucked up".... a bit of VERY public self analysis going to happen here, so i better not fuck it up anymore than i already fucking have. mmm gratuitous use of that word isnt it?
ok we already know that i tried to "mess" up (fooled ya?) the more than budded relationship that began with JNF, also referred to as FFF by his friends, if i said mates, i would be giving too much detail about him, and those that know me can look him up on facebook, so its friends....(dont tell anyone, i want to keep his identity a secret). i had good reason, but no reason is a good reason when you love someone, you simply do NOT push them away, using cancer as an EXCUSE is also not acceptable, unless you have a secret desire to kill the relationship... FUCK UP for me, big time, guilty as charged.
i could have made myself out to be someone i wasnt, but i didnt, that isnt how this relationship started, it was over the phone with hi vicky, J here, dont know if you remember me but i went to school with you over here in ozz... (oh f**k, did i just give more info out? again, dont tell anyone okay :) :) :) )... it never was a game, it was always honest, it became a great relationship first between friends who throughout the first year chatted both online, over googletalk, and over land lines, talking about our lives, what we did, what we wanted in life and what we so far had obtained, we told each other intimate details of our lives and shared new ideas, thoughts, conversational intercourse in the truest meanings of both words ...i could read in FFF's words to me during the first dozen or so emails that he was falling in love with me, and prob was for a while, i knew he had this fantasy about me from when he was a kid, he told me so. and omg that scared the fuck out of me literally! i was after my bachelors, attending online university classes, living a crazy life filled with drama and stress, and falling in love with someone who remembered me, searching for me and did so for 40 fucking years...he was so cute, sneaking in 'luv ya's and 'love u' in our conversations, a month after emails started, sign off was with love. and me always teasing him or attempting to stop him from loving me.. omg FUCK UP for me again, bigger time, ugh what a dumbass...
now we had always planned to meet up, but i wanted to wait, for what? seeing that we are not in our 20s anymore, 50s makes everything look different... so brilliant me (FUCK UP again time), says wait until i get my bachelors and my teeth fixed (they have been destroyed because of the bladder cancer), and we agreed... and i know FFF wasnt too happy but was because at least he could see me in a few years.....it wouldnt take me that long to get my degree, fix my teeth and find a job, get INSURANCE for me and my kids, you know all the things one does as a responsible parent...and we still chatted and talked and emailed each other, it would be a breeze...right?...so i did as i always do and threw myself into school, sent him papers i would write for his critique, he never asked me to change anything that i could remember, always telling me great paper and i would not have thought about it that way or i love the way you write, always complements, sharing what i wrote to other friends, even though i was looking for critique that was critical... it never happened....well it wasnt that long before he just had to tell me i love you, i think he might have imploded if he didnt. he already knew what i couldnt admit to myself, and shortly after, i admitted out loud so he could read it that i loved him too... yeah FUCKING A, i finally did something right for a change... or did i???
july comes around and i start to get weird, feeling very very exhausted, breathing becoming labored a bit, and words on the screen were starting to become difficult to understand, it was weird alright and i thought that i had just been doing way too much school, and needed a few days off where i didnt... but that didnt help me... i tried to go to classes, but was unable, didnt know what was wrong, but knew something was..
i got so bad, that eventually all i could do was make it to the floor (i have a bad back and a sort of blingy (lol) neck, so couches cause too much pain to sit in), attempt to sit up and then "go to sleep" not knowing i had until i woke up because i was passing out! now if i was able to use my thought process, which was very hard to do, i had been slowly bleeding to death, and was not very aware of it, although i should have been, i would have known i was sick and gone to the hospital...not like there were no CLUES... i am 52 years old, thought i went through menopause a few years ago, but started passing blood clots (sorry if too much info) and pissing cherry juice and figured it was menopause, because i had hundreds of periods like that, and i didnt think i was bleeding to death, no i didnt KNOW i was bleeding to death. i was turning yellow, my daughter kept telling me mom you are so sick what is wrong with you mom? and i just sort of was there not able to ask for help because i didnt comprehend that i needed it ... i was no longer able to do anything on the internet...and that fucking sucked, because those i cared for and loved had no clue as to my well being or lack of it.... it was near the end of october or maybe even november before i was able to sit on the chair and type on the internet to my friends that i wasnt dead and tell them the 3.6 story... how can someones hemoglobin go down so low? FUCK ME! i made it...it was when all this happened that FFF was insisting to come over, and me not knowing what was going to happen both caused me to want him to come and not want him to come... awww FUCK!
back to FFF being here... we had a marvelous incredible unforgettable time, showing him where i live, riding 4 wheelers (and taking an endo that bruised him up pretty fucking good), shared ourselves with each other, in the biblical sense and it was incredible, it was like we had known each other since we were 11 :)....well near the end of his visit, i get this call from the docs, they found something in the left kidney when they did an MRI of my lower back... oh wow, had the cancer spread? FUCK!!! so brilliant me, tells him that maybe he will have a nice life with this woman he met and had that affair with.. but after dropping him off at the airport, i changed my mind thought WHAT THE FUCK? he said he was in love with me and i said i was in love with him, so lets see what happens, already beat the grim reaper once, maybe i could do it again...
FUCKING PISS ME OFF!!! he was supposed to tell the "other woman" about what had transpired between us, but well he didnt, (his excuse was he was tired) and i didnt know that i didnt have kidney cancer so maybe she was a second choice? dunno but he chats with me after he catches up on some well earned sleep (like 20 hours of travelling to get home) and everything is just great.. he tells me about this car he bought from his step brother, and then goes into detail about having to take public transportation to go get it... i explain to him why i didnt want him to see the other woman, he says he understands and i am fine.. he comes back from getting his new car, and says "CANT TALK B IS HERE ASLEEP IN THE OTHER ROOM" and click...
OH MY FUCKING GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!! i said fine fuck off i dont want to talk to you and click i am gone.
he said something about he just couldnt tell her to fuck off blah blah blah and the more he said the madder i got, yeah sounds like you are in love with me if you cant tell her shit because you are too tired... i blow off some emails to him telling him off explaining to his sorry fucking male ass WHY it pissed me off so bad, and then realize that i am so in love with him that i might just disappear into this damned depression i came flying out of after about 25 years when we met... told him i would not fly back into it, but he was the reason i flew out and could be the reason i drop back into it FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK ......... he fucked up, i fucked up... we fucked up
so it bothers me when after 2 years of chatting when he would im me in the middle of class in the middle of seminar all day all night to suddenly dropping off to cant talk, b is here sleeping in the other room... so after we get this fucked up situation behind us, tonight he tells me that his border is there and he suddenly cuts off the chat again... GRRRRRRRRRRRRR FUCKING GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, so i write and tell him that hurt... he says well i didnt want her to read anything...whatthefuckever.. like who gives a damn if she reads anything, and why the hell is she reading ANYTHING on HIS computer anyway? but he doesnt see it the same way as i do i guess, so cutting me off without a warning that went, she is here, am shutting down and click............ would that piss off anyone else besides me?
then to top it all off, he tells me that she says he is a dipshit (well those are my words but she meant the same) for having anything to do with someone he met on the internet, and dont come crying to her when he loses everything and she will say i told you so..WTF WTF WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why didnt he just tell her to mind her own business, she knows nothing of me or of us, just tell her to fuck off end of problem.. it hurt me to read those words typed even if she was the one to say them............so thinking back to now TWO strikes on the chalkboard, i dont have the time to chat with him tonight, i dont feel like it and i hope that it frustrates the shit out of him.. am i nuts or do you not do something like that to someone you are madly in love with?
i am not sure because it has been about 25 years since i was in a loving relationship and that ended up all fucked up.. then 20 years ago i married an alcoholic and dropped out of life...... that relationship ended about three years after it started, but i stayed in it off and on because i felt safe, killing off my life and desires for? shit i cant remember why i did it, but i am not there anymore, i want what i have found with this man... i just have to figure out how to be with him and not with him when i am away from him, am finding it way too fucking easy to get fucking hurt... this fucking sux.............................................
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