jumping forward

mentioned that i have bladder cancer, that was a bummer and is a bummer...well i also have a messed up lower spine, finally got insurance (yes there are miracles) and had an MRI done of the lower spine...went to the docs and was waiting to hear how bad it is (i cant keep up with my 71 er 26 year old mom in the stores) and after taking my high blood pressure and giving me 4 of these little pink omg lets get your bp down to somewhere around normal before you stroke out pills, 40 minutes goes by and he comes in and says "your MRI was abnormal"...i think okay, now i know my back is messed up, so what is it? i ask him is it about my back and he said no, you have a mass in your kidney, tears, instant tears... he says, look, you were almost dead with the bladder cancer, and i promise to get you through this, dont panic until i tell you to... it didnt make things easier, i couldnt stop crying, got into my truck and screamed... i thought i would scream when i was told about the bladder cancer, but hearing kidney cancer just made my life do a summersault and it wasnt a good one, landing on my back on cement, knocking all the wind out of me...the 3rd love in my life even wanted to go with me, but the appt time was changed, i had like minutes to get there and told him to just stay in bed where it was warm, i would be back... how i wish that he was with me now and then, maybe it would have been easier to take? or maybe i would have lost it big time...you just dont know how you react to bad news until it is tossed in your direction.....
so yesterday i had these catscans of the abdomen and pelvis with and without contrast (you get this special light up your insides stuff put into a vein, that is if one stays open, mine like to blow out, which one did but lucky me... there was this magic woman who found the second one and it stayed put for the time needed for the glow in the dark stuff to be put into it)... i was talking to the tech he said he saw the cyst that is on the kidney and then lied to me saying he didnt know how to read lesions well.. they always say that when you ask, guess they figure not knowing is better and you ask your doc when you see them the next time...i know they are aware of the anxiety you have when you have to wait to hear whether or not the cancer you already do not want has spread to more than just your bladder... how cruel can life be? i know i shouldnt say that, my fate is whenever i ask that question shit hits the fan, but damn... someone who was searching for my sorry ass for almost 40 years shows up in my life just a few short years ago, and after finally seeing him face to face again, this happens? what did i do that i got dealt this hand?
i have been looking up cancer, treatments, cures, things to eat not to eat things to do not to do, have to quit smoking, am trying, but for all us smokers out there, quitting when you are super stressed is so hard, not quitting when you have been diagnosed with cancer is so stupid, yep that is me, hard headed and stupid....
then to top it all off, i had gestational diabetes with caity, my daughter, and looks like i am headed that way again, sugar was 134 after a 12 hour fast, not super bad but diabetes question listed on the blood test result page (i have started collecting all my paperwork from doctors offices so if i have to see a new one it isnt weeks and weeks of waiting to get copies of paperwork i already have, the cancer society told me that neat little time saver), and today i go for this other test that checks i dunno what to see why this blood pressure problem doesnt want to be controlled.....
my mom went with me yesterday and even though i didnt ask her to, she told me last night that she wants to go with me this morning, so i wont be alone when i get the news on the tests from yesterday if i get them today... i wonder how long it takes the techs to read them? maybe i can get copies from the hospital on my own???? i am anxious and want to know the answers now... i have a life i want to live, i have all these other things that need fixing... i have an almost 9 year old son who will always need me, and an almost 17 year old who is ready to pop with my first grandchild...yeah i wasnt so thrilled that she was 16 and preggo either, but the baby is almost here, is a boy, so i will deal with being a grandma and she will deal with being a mommy...sort of sad to think she has to be all grown up this young in her life, i was almost 36 when i had her, and almost 44 when i had my son...
so i have lots of things going on in my life right now... my back, high blood sugar, high blood pressure, bladder cancer, maybe kidney cancer, a baby on the way, thinking about my son and his future (he is chromosome enhanced, has 47 of them instead of 46), trying to rid my life of as much stress as i possibly can... plate is getting full... maybe i need a bigger plate?????????????