Zane Kaleb is here :)

the 13th was a busy day, baby shower for my daughter, about thirty or so people here, dont know what she DIDNT get, T's mom did an incredible job, and T's step dad too, and his cousin C, it was a very nice thing for them to do, i almost did nothing..they were incredible it was a lovely shower, and after the commotion died down and all were almost gone, we sat back and relaxed.
five am the 14th, valentines day, my daughter comes to me and is crying that her back really hurt, we cant get her comfortable and she is having contractions, like every one to two minutes apart, her tummy did not get as hard as mine did when i was in labor (which i never felt with either of my kids, yeah lucky me :) )... but i knew she was in labor, so off to the hospital we go. our local hospital sux, if you make it there, are sick, and still alive, they will transport you to vegas, closest hospitals are there, not sure what this one does other than diagnostic testing, which from my last post a few posts ago, come up with different diagnosis each time... so after the nurse tells me YOU DONT WANT TO HAVE A BABY HERE, (oh oh), my daughter is put into the ambulance with T and off they go, i am following, after i go get my mom and her car. i love my beat up old truck, but the speedometer took a dump and i have to guess my speed, flying to the hospital in worry i am sure i would go a wee bit over the speed limit and moms car has a working speedometer... so i pick up mom, she forgets her wallet, oh crap so we turn around and go get it, then we have to turn around again because she forgot her teeth, hey she was worried, i think forgetting your teeth would be a normal thing to do, but not sure about the wallet...
so anyway i make it to the hospital about 20 minutes after she did, she is in the room already, and the big panic that was here wasnt there, they were not sure if she was in labor, thought she was only 39 weeks and was sure they would be sending her home but they decided to wait and see. every three to five minutes and my daughter is having incredible pain in her back, and the alarms are going off and she is upset about being there and thinking she has to go home, she is talking first to her belly telling her son to come out, then crying in pain and then screaming at the monitors to shut the f up, well she was in labor, and i actually thought she would say more.. after she goes into a slight rage, i went to the nurses station and asked if there was anything they could do for her...and the nurse with the halo came to her and gave her some morphine which took the sharp out of the continuing contractions... they check her and she is starting to dilate to 3cm, then 4 and said she was going to have this baby today, the 14th of february, valentines day... so we wait...
after about half and hour or so the contractions are getting worse, she is saying this is the LAST one there will be no more, this hurts, why wont this baby come out, i will never get pg again, omg mommy i am so scared, dont leave me hold my hand, T dont leave me, omg cant they make this where it doesnt hurt...
soon she is given the block and after i hold her and talk her though that, she starts to relax, she said her body was "high" not her mind but the pain substantially decreased and she was even able to sleep a bit, when she woke up she said she was hungry but not allowed to eat. one of the nurses told me that usually means no baby, just false labor, oh great, tell me in front of her now she is pissed... but she is in labor, kept dilating by 5.30 she was at 6 cm, then at 7.30 she was at 9 then quickly 10. they started to get her to push and when the nurse thought it was time they called the doctor.. one two three four five six seven eight nine ten push push push breathe, that was repeated about a dozen times, then his head crowned. i watched the entire birth of my first and more than likely last grandson, it was the most beautiful thing i had ever witnessed, my baby giving birth to her baby, 7lb 2 oz, 21 inches long Zane Kaleb, so beautiful perfect ten toes ten fingers, two eyes, just one nose, tiny perfect ears, blond hair and well like all babies, blue eyes....we will see what color they remain or turn to.. future blogs...
well we go home let her rest, take so many pix share hugs and i get home and am too excited to go to sleep, i had been up since friday so what was another day? it was now early tuesday morning... i get a call from her early tuesday, momma i was feeding the baby (yeah she IS breastfeeding, i knew she would despite the protests, hell she was almost three when she was FORCED OFF the boob, and very healthy and smart, so i knew when she saw him she would do the same, it is so much better if the mom can breast feed)... and she said he vomited some green stuff, lime green, and they took him to the nicu and they were worried about him and doing all these blood tests said something about he was vomiting immature white blood cells? so i look it up on the internet, find NOTHING, and think okay something is funky somewhere... i race back to the hospital, takes me about 45 minutes with my foot on the accelerator, and i get there run upstairs and go to see her... we go to the nursery, i see him he looks great but has an iv for fluids (so tiny for such a thing) the monitors on his foot for bp, temp gauge thingo, and leads to other equipment but no oxygen (his uncle had to go through all that and more in the NICU for about nine days after he was born so i had seen babies in that situation before, and although i was 'use' to it, i didnt like it...)   we ask the doc again what is wrong with him, they said they thought infection of some kind but not sure, and something about his bowels but they were not twisted they just were not emptying out all the way, and again he says to me, he was vomiting his immature white blood cells....mmm i said what does that mean he says we think he has an infection and they tell me what they have planned, two days max for an answer...
well now it is 7 more days in the NICU, and they still dont have answers, she is panicky again, i am worried too but about her as well as the baby, but know that all will be alright, i have asked for prayers before, and am asking again, so if you do that sort of thing, include little Zane Kaleb okay???
happy that he is here and will post a pix when i find the damn usb cord to my camera...
v

well f*** ADULT CONTENT er words...

some might construe this word offensive, do not click on play :)

note* this blog has lots of a word i would not normally write in a blog...and again, if that word offends you, dont read this, and dont send me chastising email over it either, if you dont like what you read, stop reading it, and if you read it anyway and dont like it, here is my apology to you... tough bovine fecal matter :)....

today is saturday, and we are doing some spring cleaning after my soon to be son in law finishes cooking and then eating this marvelous breakfast he makes called churrisos? forgive me if i spell i wrong, i usually do bad with spelling. living in foreign countries can do that to you. flavor flavour theater theatre jail gaol... confusing right? mmmm just got some of this wonderful breakfast, and starting to sneek into the feeling better mode...

this portion of the blog is brought to you by the Fucked up family, starring "Oh Fuck, Fuck me, What the Fuck, You fucked up, I fucked up and We fucked up".... a bit of VERY public self analysis going to happen here, so i better not fuck it up anymore than i already fucking have. mmm gratuitous use of that word isnt it? 

ok we already know that i tried to "mess" up (fooled ya?) the more than budded relationship that began with JNF, also referred to as FFF by his friends, if i said mates, i would be giving too much detail about him, and those that know me can look him up on facebook, so its friends....(dont tell anyone, i want to keep his identity a secret). i had good reason, but no reason is a good reason when you love someone, you simply do NOT push them away, using cancer as an EXCUSE is also not acceptable, unless you have a secret desire to kill the relationship... FUCK UP for me, big time, guilty as charged.

 i could have made myself out to be someone i wasnt, but i didnt, that isnt how this relationship started, it was over the phone with hi vicky, J here, dont know if you remember me but i went to school with you over here in ozz... (oh f**k, did i just give more info out? again, dont tell anyone okay :) :) :) )... it never was a game, it was always honest, it became a great relationship first between friends who throughout the first year  chatted both online, over googletalk, and over land lines, talking about our lives, what we did, what we wanted in life and what we so far had obtained, we told each other intimate details of our lives and shared new ideas, thoughts, conversational intercourse in the truest meanings of both words ...i could read in FFF's words to me during the first dozen or so emails  that he was falling in love with me, and prob was for a while, i knew he had this fantasy about me from when he was a kid, he told me so. and omg that scared the fuck out of me literally! i was after my bachelors, attending online university classes, living a crazy life filled with drama and stress, and falling in love with someone who remembered me, searching for me and did so for 40 fucking years...he was so cute, sneaking in 'luv ya's and 'love u' in our conversations, a month after emails started, sign off was with love. and me always teasing him or attempting to stop him from loving me.. omg FUCK UP for me again, bigger time, ugh what a dumbass...

  now we had always planned to meet up, but i wanted to wait, for what? seeing that we are not in our 20s anymore, 50s makes everything look different... so brilliant me (FUCK UP again time), says wait until i get my bachelors and my teeth fixed (they have been destroyed because of the bladder cancer), and we agreed... and i know FFF wasnt too happy but was because at least he could see me in a few years.....it wouldnt take me that long to get my degree, fix my teeth and find a job, get INSURANCE for me and my kids, you know all the things one does as a responsible parent...and we still chatted and talked and emailed each other, it would be a breeze...right?...so i did as i always do and threw myself into school, sent him papers i would write for his critique, he never asked me to change anything that i could remember, always telling me great paper and i would not have thought about it that way  or i love the way you write, always complements, sharing what i wrote to other friends, even though i was looking for critique that was critical... it never happened....well it wasnt that long before he just had to tell me i love you, i think he might have imploded if he didnt. he already knew what i couldnt admit to myself, and shortly after, i admitted out loud so he could read it that i loved him too... yeah FUCKING A, i finally did something right for a change... or did i???

july comes around and i start to get weird, feeling very very exhausted, breathing becoming labored a bit, and words on the screen were starting to become difficult to understand, it was weird alright and i thought that i had just been doing way too much school, and needed a few days off where i didnt... but that didnt help me... i tried to go to classes, but was unable, didnt know what was wrong, but knew something was.. 

i got so bad, that eventually all i could do was make it to the floor (i have a bad back and a sort of blingy (lol) neck, so couches cause too much pain to sit in), attempt to sit up and then "go to sleep" not knowing i had until i woke up because i was passing  out! now if i was able to use my thought process, which was very hard to do, i had been slowly bleeding to death, and was not very aware of it, although i should have been, i would have known i was sick and gone to the hospital...not like there were no CLUES... i am 52 years old, thought i went through menopause a few years ago, but started passing blood clots (sorry if too much info) and pissing cherry juice and figured it was menopause, because i had hundreds of periods like that, and i didnt think i was bleeding to death, no i didnt KNOW i was bleeding to death. i was turning yellow, my daughter kept telling me mom you are so sick what is wrong with you mom? and i just sort of was there not able to ask for help because i didnt comprehend that i needed it ... i was no longer able to do anything on the internet...and that fucking sucked, because those i cared for and loved had no clue as to my well being or lack of it.... it was near the end of october or maybe even november before i was able to sit on the chair and type on the internet to my friends that i wasnt dead and tell them the 3.6 story... how can someones hemoglobin go down so low? FUCK ME! i made it...it was when all this happened that FFF was insisting to come over, and me not knowing what was going to happen both caused me to want him to come and not want him to come... awww FUCK!

back to FFF being here... we had a marvelous incredible unforgettable time, showing him where i live, riding 4 wheelers (and taking an endo that bruised him up pretty fucking good), shared ourselves with each other, in the biblical sense and it was incredible, it was like we had known each other since we were 11 :)....well near the end of his visit, i get this call from the docs, they found something in the left kidney when they did an MRI of my lower back... oh wow, had the cancer spread? FUCK!!! so brilliant me, tells him that maybe he will have a nice life with this woman he met and had that affair with.. but after dropping him off at the airport, i changed my mind thought WHAT THE FUCK? he said he was in love with me and i said i was in love with him, so lets see what happens, already beat the grim reaper once, maybe i could do it again...

FUCKING PISS ME OFF!!! he was supposed to tell the "other woman" about what had transpired between us, but well he didnt, (his excuse was he was tired) and i didnt know that i didnt have kidney cancer so maybe she was a second choice? dunno but he chats with me after he catches up on some well earned sleep (like 20 hours of travelling to get home) and everything is just great.. he tells me about this car he bought from his step brother, and then goes into detail about having to take public transportation to go get it... i explain to him why i didnt want him to see the other woman, he says he understands and i am fine.. he comes back from getting his new car, and says "CANT TALK B IS HERE ASLEEP IN THE OTHER ROOM" and click...

OH MY FUCKING GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!! i said fine fuck off i dont want to talk to you and click i am gone.

he said something about he just couldnt tell her to fuck off blah blah blah and the more he said the madder i got, yeah sounds like you are in love with me if you cant tell her shit because you are too tired... i blow off some emails to him telling him off explaining to his sorry fucking male ass WHY it pissed me off so bad, and then realize that i am so in love with him that i might just disappear into this damned depression i came flying out of after about 25 years when we met... told him i would not fly back into it, but he was the reason i flew out and could be the reason i drop back into it FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK ......... he fucked up, i fucked up... we fucked up

so it bothers me when after 2 years of chatting when he would im me in the middle of class in the middle of seminar all day all night to suddenly dropping off to cant talk, b is here sleeping in the other room... so after we get this fucked up situation behind us, tonight he tells me that his border is there and he suddenly cuts off the chat again... GRRRRRRRRRRRRR FUCKING GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, so i write and tell him that hurt... he says well i didnt want her to read anything...whatthefuckever.. like who gives a damn if she reads anything, and why the hell is she reading ANYTHING on HIS computer anyway? but he doesnt see it the same way as i do i guess, so cutting me off without a warning that went, she is here, am shutting down and click............ would that piss off anyone else besides me?

then to top it all off, he tells me that she says he is a dipshit (well those are my words but she meant the same) for having anything to do with someone he met on the internet, and dont come crying to her when he loses everything and she will say i told you so..WTF WTF WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why didnt he just tell her to mind her own business, she knows nothing of me or of us, just tell her to fuck off end of problem.. it hurt me to read those words typed even if she was the one to say them............so thinking back to now TWO strikes on the chalkboard, i dont have the time to chat with him tonight, i dont feel like it and i hope that it frustrates the shit out of him.. am i nuts or do you not do something like that to someone you are madly in love with?

i am not sure because it has been about 25 years since i was in a loving relationship and that ended up all fucked up.. then 20 years ago i married an alcoholic and dropped out of life...... that relationship ended about three years after it started, but i stayed in it off and on because i felt safe, killing off my life and desires for? shit i cant remember why i did it, but i am not there anymore, i want what i have found with this man... i just have to figure out how to be with him and not with him when i am away from him, am finding it way too fucking easy to get fucking hurt... this fucking sux.............................................

were you ever so in love? long distance calling....

there is this song by Hall and Oats, were you ever so in love you couldnt wait to get to sleep and dream about the one you wish was there beside you.. (the song is above here if you are interested:)..ever had a long distance love affair? i mean a true once in a lifetime if you are lucky, my life isnt complete without this incredibly special someone who lives on the other side of the world in a different hemisphere love affair? if so how the hell did it survive, or did it? let me know, i need answers, or at least thoughts and hints on how to keep this incredible love affair going ....
when i met JNF, it was rather strange, he was this young shy kid whom i went to grade school with and even sat next to for a very short while, like an entire week or so before the teacher who hated me due to the fact i was an "american" put me in the back of the room. JNF remembers me teaching him to write with both hands, maybe i showed him how to reverse image write or write backwards, they were games i played to amuse myself, moving so much when i was a kid, i found things to occupy my mind, making friends was not one of them as we always moved and leaving friends behind hurt too much, so i simply didnt make many. well JNF never forgot me, and i really never knew him... i started to get  to know him on my 50th birthday, when he called me and told me that he had gone to school with me...he even sent me this pix of us taken for a class photo, one i had never seen before, i knew who i was but still did not remember him or much about him back at the time he first found me. i also could not imagine remembering and looking for someone for 40 years... he found me through my brother, who had put something on a find your old friends site on the internet...he was charming and had all these wonderful things to share with me about his love for astronomy and creating ingenious inventions, he has all these ideas of three dimensional images for the blind to see, sculpts, loves to cook, grow his own ingredients, loves dogs (who crap on whatever he is using including the ladder rungs lol), and he is a fireman :) is adventurous, is funny, intelligent, strong, good looking, has crystal pool blue eyes, makes me feel so great about myself....nice eh? i thought so too... well eventually after about a year or so, he outright said "i love you vicky" and although i knew it was coming, it blew me away, actually scared me. i used so many excuses why he shouldnt, told him i weighed 900 pounds, told him of my teeth breaking and rotting away actually eroding is more like it, and at the time i didnt know that i had bladder cancer and didnt know why my teeth were being destroyed, but it didnt matter to him. he told me that it was important for him to meet me face to face again, that it was a desire he could no longer hold, and soon after my diagnosis of the cancer i gave into his wishes and said wtf, come on over and see me and we both agreed to see what might happen. he said time and time again, if nothing is there, we will remain friends, we both knew more about each other than anyone in either of our lives did, so why not meet up, even if we just remained the best of friends... before he got here, i admitted to him that i loved him too, all our chats and emails, it was impossible not to love him.
so late january, he came stateside...and it turned out to be an incredible 16 days. it was too short, and before he left to go home, i got this diagnosis of possible kidney cancer, and my life hit cement at the bottom of the pool and knocked the wind out of me... i was devastated, thinking how cruel it was that after i find the very first true love in my life, someone who actually and honestly loved me in the same ways that i loved them and i might not be here to live it with him........so i did something stupid, very stupid, i told him to take up with this gal whom he had met and had a brief affair with, that i didnt want to have him hurt should i end up in a bottle (i want to be cremated) and it killed me to tell him that, but i really did not want to hurt him, he is really that great of a guy... he told me that he didnt want to do that, he was not in love with anyone but me, and he wanted to take care of me...yet i tried to insist that he take up with someone who lived in the same country as he did. it was about 15 minutes after i could no longer see him across the way going into the security section of the airport to be felt up by our airport security, that i changed my mind, i didnt want him to find anyone else, i wanted to be the one, no one else, and even though what i wanted was very selfish, i couldnt let him go... how cruel to want him and at the time thinking i had kidney cancer, and since it came so fast after the bladder cancer, i might not be here long and  wanting to be with him  made me feel guilty but i figured i could live with the guilt, i wanted to be with him, even to the point of taking my last breath in his arms....soooooooooooo i called him on the phone, but he couldnt answer it, so i called my daughter and asked that she text him a message for me, which she did, and i told him through her NOT to take up with the other lady, that i wanted to be with him as much as he did with me... then a few days later, i found out that it was not kidney cancer, that was great news and i started making all these plans about going to visit him, and see his life over in Ozz and let this first true love of mine show me his world, he had already peeked into mine....

doing the happy dance on the puter :)

well, talk about happy days :)... got three different results from three different tests and they said in the third one, no cancer in the kidneys, just cysts and a kidney stone? well i have NO pain, never have, and i will take the third report over the other ones and i choose NO CANCER!!! yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
my spirits have lifted, am bit by bit changing my life around, where it is good for ME, i dont want to be brought down by anything or anyone, so i am changing things....
i told MPM that i wanted a divorce, i have said that to him before, but this time i am serious very very serious (not like i was joking when i said it before) and i mean it... he said the same thing he did before, the "i will quit drinking, i will throw it all away now, i will do anything" but i have heard that same song for 17 years, and it is just too late... that song, its too late baby now its too late though i really did try to make it something inside has died and i cant hide and i just cant fake it its too late baby, its too late....and i know that after he gets used to the idea he too will be much happier... he has called me some great names especially being married to him, like whore, cunt and a few others, and in all the 20 years we were married, i never once called him a drunken jerk, but our daughter has.... i just hope he keeps his relationships with the kids, he once told our daughter that if i divorced him that he would no longer be her dad, that really got to her, what kid wouldnt be upset with such news, and i told her that no matter what happened between the two of us, that she would ALWAYS be his daughter, that would never change... imagine telling your kid something so ignorant and hurtful? yeah, it is a good thing, and i will be happier, he will still have his beer.. what a sad existance....
anyway, today i feel incredible and relieved, no cancer in the kidneys YEAHHHHHHHHHHHH and a divorce in the works...

life is precious and way too short to live it miserably....i choose to live it happy and remove stress and miserable from it..........

more later

jumping forward

mentioned that i have bladder cancer, that was a bummer and is a bummer...well i also have a messed up lower spine, finally got insurance (yes there are miracles) and had an MRI done of the lower spine...went to the docs and was waiting to hear how bad it is (i cant keep up with my 71 er 26 year old mom in the stores) and after taking my high blood pressure and giving me 4 of these little pink omg lets get your bp down to somewhere around normal before you stroke out pills, 40 minutes goes by and he comes in and says "your MRI was abnormal"...i think okay, now i know my back is messed up, so what is it? i ask him is it about my back and he said no, you have a mass in your kidney, tears, instant tears... he says, look, you were almost dead with the bladder cancer, and i promise to get you through this, dont panic until i tell you to... it didnt make things easier, i couldnt stop crying, got into my truck and screamed... i thought i would scream when i was told about the bladder cancer, but hearing kidney cancer just made my life do a summersault and it wasnt a good one, landing on my back on cement, knocking all the wind out of me...the 3rd love in my life even wanted to go with me, but the appt time was changed, i had like minutes to get there and told him to just stay in bed where it was warm, i would be back... how i wish that he was with me now and then, maybe it would have been easier to take? or maybe i would have lost it big time...you just dont know how you react to bad news until it is tossed in your direction.....
so yesterday i had these catscans of the abdomen and pelvis with and without contrast (you get this special light up your insides stuff put into a vein, that is if one stays open, mine like to blow out, which one did but lucky me... there was this magic woman who found the second one and it stayed put for the time needed for the glow in the dark stuff to be put into it)... i was talking to the tech he said he saw the cyst that is on the kidney and then lied to me saying he didnt know how to read lesions well.. they always say that when you ask, guess they figure not knowing is better and you ask your doc when you see them the next time...i know they are aware of the anxiety you have when you have to wait to hear whether or not the cancer you already do not want has spread to more than just your bladder... how cruel can life be? i know i shouldnt say that, my fate is whenever i ask that question shit hits the fan, but damn... someone who was searching for my sorry ass for almost 40 years shows up in my life just a few short years ago, and after finally seeing him face to face again, this happens? what did i do that i got dealt this hand?
i have been looking up cancer, treatments, cures, things to eat not to eat things to do not to do, have to quit smoking, am trying, but for all us smokers out there, quitting when you are super stressed is so hard, not quitting when you have been diagnosed with cancer is so stupid, yep that is me, hard headed and stupid....
then to top it all off, i had gestational diabetes with caity, my daughter, and looks like i am headed that way again, sugar was 134 after a 12 hour fast, not super bad but diabetes question listed on the blood test result page (i have started collecting all my paperwork from doctors offices so if i have to see a new one it isnt weeks and weeks of waiting to get copies of paperwork i already have, the cancer society told me that neat little time saver), and today i go for this other test that checks i dunno what to see why this blood pressure problem doesnt want to be controlled.....
my mom went with me yesterday and even though i didnt ask her to, she told me last night that she wants to go with me this morning, so i wont be alone when i get the news on the tests from yesterday if i get them today... i wonder how long it takes the techs to read them? maybe i can get copies from the hospital on my own???? i am anxious and want to know the answers now... i have a life i want to live, i have all these other things that need fixing... i have an almost 9 year old son who will always need me, and an almost 17 year old who is ready to pop with my first grandchild...yeah i wasnt so thrilled that she was 16 and preggo either, but the baby is almost here, is a boy, so i will deal with being a grandma and she will deal with being a mommy...sort of sad to think she has to be all grown up this young in her life, i was almost 36 when i had her, and almost 44 when i had my son...
so i have lots of things going on in my life right now... my back, high blood sugar, high blood pressure, bladder cancer, maybe kidney cancer, a baby on the way, thinking about my son and his future (he is chromosome enhanced, has 47 of them instead of 46), trying to rid my life of as much stress as i possibly can... plate is getting full... maybe i need a bigger plate?????????????

heard the expression "shitting your brains out?"

well i actually experienced it... before BRC and i took our first of hundreds of trips to foreign lands, i discovered that he was 33 years my senior, it was too late, i was madly in love with this suave english fellow, so polite and proper, didnt even eat chicken wings with his fingers... well not then he didnt but i changed that... so here i was in mexico proper for the first time in my life, throughly enjoying him showing me the sights, and because of the devaluation of the peso, our selling trip turned into a ten day vacation. we flew from mexico city to acapulco.... Acapulco did not turn out to be the wonderland it was advertised to be, the water was very polluted and everything smelled like human waste, we stayed at a very nice hotel just a bit from the ocean, it had its own private pools, the villa vera hotel, nice place...well like i said before, montezuma attacked me. after my little stint in the pool potty, where everyone within earshot heard my cries of agony and you know when you are so sick that whatever is in your bowels hits the water so hard it splashes back onto your butt? well i went through all that, not sure that any water remained in the toilet when i was done. finally came out of the potty, at the same time as about ten other little girls and women did so as not to let anyone know who was the one who made all the agonizing sounds, i made it back to the lounge chair and informed BRC that i needed to lay down for a while and was not sure about dinner, he asked me if i heard the sounds echoing from the potty and told me that someone was very sick... should i tell him or not??... a few hours passed and when it was around 10pm having not "gone" any more, i thought i would be okay for dinner... we ate, met this german doctor and her husband from mexico city had a nice chat and back to the room we went, both exhausted and ready for a good nights sleep... well one of us got a good nights sleep and it wasnt me.... lucky for me BRC snored, and did so all night long, it would vibrate off my neck and put me out, he would cuddle me from behind and hold me so tight i couldnt get away if i tried or wanted to and did you know that when you snore you cant smell shit er anything...not even shit?... it was about midnight when i woke up, smelling this gawdawful smell, wondering where the hell it was coming from. i managed to wiggle free from BRC and put my hand on the bed to get up and it slipped right out from under me it  and i landed on the bed, looked over and BRC was still snoring, great sleeper, not like me, wake up when flies fart.... it was dark so i couldnt see very well, but when i put my hand to my face to see what was on it, i smelled what was on it, and thought OMG, got out of the bed and raced to the bathroom leaving a trail of evidence behind me, made it to the toilet, and sat there in such severe agony i thought i was going to die.. the gate to the car entrance was on the other side of the bathroom wall, and i could hear two mexican workers from the hotel talking and laughing, i know they were talking about me, they could easily hear me in there and the smell... omg the smell.... it was about 2 hours of me knowing my entire intestinal tract had just been flushed down the toilet until it stopped, after the first hour i figured out that if it was going to kill me i would already have been dead, so i lived through it, got up and took a shower i was covered in my own shit from my head to my feet... i then took a towel, washed up my trail that led back to the bed, to find BRC sound asleep, snooring delightfully totally unaware of my predicament, thank gawd again... i cleaned up my side of the bed the best i could and peeked to see if there was any proof of my situation actually ON BRC, but he was lucky, because i think me trying to clean it off would have woken him up... i went back to the bathroom, washed out the towels and rags i used , destroying as much evidence i could so as not to actually die of embarrassment.... then wrapped the only towel left around me and crawled into bed. BRC stirred, wrapped his arms around me and then about an hour or so later, i woke up AGAIN to that smell i had in my nostrils for the past 10 or so hours and slipped right off the towel, again covered in shit, there was no cramping at first, just this firemans hose velocity liquid flying out my ass as i again raced to the bathroom this time HEARING it as it hit the floor and carpet because it couldnt wait for me to get to the toilet... i finished reading the book BRC brought, again listening to the two mexicans now laughing so hard they didnt even try to hide the fact that it was ME they were laughing at... again in the shower, drying off with the almost dry dirty towels i had used the first time, again going back over the floors and carpet (why did it have to be white carpet?) but this time i did not have to clean the sheets on the bed, the towel i wore to bed actually saved me...exhausted and wondering why i was not dead, i fell asleep... to be woken by BRC as he wiggled my big toe and he said, "dahling, where did all this shit come from?" holding the towel i forgot to wash out up for me to see... omg i wanted to have the floor open so i could disappear, i figured once i got out of the now brown sheeted bed he would figure out where it came from and all i could say was "i am soooooooooo sick", he left the room and went to the german doctor lady, who came in and gave me some shot and some pills and told me i would be feeling better soon. the cleaning ladies came for the dirty linens and i insisted on changing the bed, wanting to burn the sheets, that didnt work, they took them off the bed looking disgustingly in my direction as if i shit the bed not once but twice on purpose.....

MPM and BRC

those who read this that do not know me are more than likely wondering about the married but single comment...i married MPM in december of 90 for all the wrong reasons and we have not had a relationship in over 17 years now... we have lived apart and then together and then apart and then together over and over and over... his first love in life is beer, use to be coors, now is budlight, about 3 or 4 18 packs a day, more if he has friends drinking with him, and i dont drink...use to hate him, got over that, now feel absolutely nothing...dont ask why i stayed so long i dont have an answer but many excuses, none of them make any sense, just used them as my comfort zone to drop out of life... transferred that hate i once had towards him to myself... not a good place to be but i was comfortable in my misery........ we never really had a loving husband wife relationship, in twenty years, we have never spent a night together in the same bed, he worked graveyard and when i worked i worked swing shift....he loves chicken thighs, i hate them, i love pork chops and steak and roasts, he doesnt, he eats turkey, i hate it love ham and prime rib, he doesnt, if opposites do attract we should be stuck with super glue, but we aren't........divorce is on the way here soon and everyone will be happier... i cannot live with the alcoholic that he always has been and to save my life, it is time to end this farce i have been hiding in...he often says to me "i know you hate me" but he is wrong, i dont have any hate towards him anymore, i have a feeling of void...i met MPM on the same date that i had met BRC, i agreed to meet a friend at a local pub, something i never did, and met MPM that same night.... i remember Dawn telling me "what are you going to even talk about, that guy is dumber than a bag of rocks"... and of course, she was right...
I had lived with BRC for 9 years, completely in love but he did not love me in the same way i loved him yet i kept hoping.... early in my life, my career was in dancing, go go dancing, then stripping... the money was great but i had this fall at work, standing on a broken chair to get some of that huge pasty jewelry we wore from my locker, the chair buckled and i fell onto the back of it, breaking my neck, hence the pictures you see here of what it now looks like... i was living in Las Vegas and a friend of a friend told me that he knew a movie producer that was looking for extras, i could work one day, get my SAG card, then make 250 a day as an extra, no lines to learn, just bodies in the background to be seen, i thought it would be a great job for me, wouldnt put my neck into any risks and be easy money, so off i went, a full tank of gas and twenty bucks in my pocket... once i got there, i was to meet him at the Roxy.. a dive where rock and roll bands played, smelly place with torn leather on booths, the smell of vomit and alcohol everywhere, but it was a popular place, mainly for groupies and druggies who didnt give a shit about how it looked or smelled. i was not impressed and rather worried that i had made a big mistake... when i arrived at the 'set' of the 'movie' being shot, the main characters were without clothing, and there were these young girls giving head to the lead actors, didnt take me long to realize that the extras he was talking about was not a job for me and i didnt walk out, i ran to my car and peeled rubber leaving that place, got back to my friends place and called my friend back home and told him off got off the phone and cried. i then had half a tank of gas and still had my twenty bucks, how far could i get with that? when the friend of my friend got back he asked me what happened, i glared at him, and he said sorry thought you knew, of course i didnt and he knew i didnt, he never mentioned porn movies or i would never have taken that trip... he asked if i wanted to go get something to eat and we went to Canters Deli for lunch, which came to 18.28, tax and tip and yep, he forgot his wallet at home, so i then had 1.72 and less than a half a tank of gas...i think steam was flying out both my ears when BRC walked in, said hi to this friend of a friend and then talked to me, for about three hours, we went to dinner, talked more, talked about backgammon and he offered to play me 100 per game... i won the first, gammoned him on the second and then backgammoned him on the third, 500 dollars helped me to get home and pay a few bills... over the next few months the relationship grew, i would drive to LA and pick him up, i felt bad that he had this odd looking car, two toned brown shaped like a box, so i usually insisted on taking my grand prix, which was (in my mind) nicer looking and not embarrassing to be seen in. BRC thought it was very funny, and when i found out that it was a Rolls Royce i had one of my infamous stupid duh moments (something i still continue to experience)... i kept seeing BRC and by the 3rd month, i moved into his apartment... we took our first trip together, a business trip, selling art to dealers in Mexico..i learned a few things on that trip... the peso hit hard times, and the selling trip ended up being a vacation, we went to Acapulco and had a great time... until montezuma attacked me.... i knew not to drink the water instead i had lots of margaritas (ice is made from water one of those duh moments) and had lots of salads (washed in water) and what started out as an echo in the bathrooms next to the pool where everyone heard me shitting my brains out ... ended up with my first rather embarrassing moment out of many with BRC....

ok where do i start?

forget caps, forget spelling even, have tried to forget many things in my life, and it seems that those things i want to remember are the things i seem to forget...
decided to start writing about my life and myself, and this is for you lindylou... i love you girl :)

ok now where to start from? how about a jump back and forth through time blog? went back to school in 2004 and finished with my AAS in computer info and tech in dec of 06, graduated with honors, 3.98 gpa, was awarded outstanding student of the year have all these pieces of paper, you know those special achievement awards on the wall that no one sees... and exactly a week after i walked with the graduating class i had my neck entirely rebuilt, you can see the pix on this page, went into surgery on a tuesday and woke up after being in a medically induced coma for two days 2 inches shorter than when i went in, had a few vertebra disintegrate and now wear my 'bling' on the inside that i seem to show off a lot, lol.  took me about a year and a half to heal, but got all feeling back into my hands and somewhat less pain with the neck, but it always seems to be stiff (duh) and sometimes is a big PITA,  the doc says the pain is about two and a half feet from my ass.... then i went back to school and until about august of 2010, i had all these well thought out plans, go back to university and get my bachelors degree and then teach,  went back starting in december of 09, was doing great, 4.0 gpa and all that good stuff, then somewhere around the end of july things started becoming hazy... i mean my mind was leaving me... it was hard to comprehend things i read and forget writing, when the brain cannot understand the written word, writing it was even harder... september happened and i dont remember much of it, other than i was able to crawl and sometimes walk to the bathroom, sit on the pot and pass out then crawl or stagger back to the floor and pass out, i knew something was wrong, just didnt know what it was that was wrong... began thinking that the man i married in december of 90 was poisoning me, even said so to a few people. i kept thinking i was dieing, and was so close to it that i was unaware that i actually was... dieing that is....and i turned yellow like a banana, matching the paint on the bathroom wall......... by october, it was a race with the grim reaper, my sister came to my home one night on the urging of my teenage daughter, saw me and tossed me into her truck and off over the mountain we went to the first hospital we could find......... after a short stay in the ER it was up to an urgent care room to have 11 units of blood pumped into me, by nurses squeezing on the first six bags, felt pretty good, was able to sort of think and could again communicate somewhat to those around me, seems I was slowly bleeding to death... after two surgeries and removal of some massive tumor in my bladder found out that i have bladder cancer......not great news but was happy that i was still among the living and left the hospital with a cath bag, to be officially told two weeks later that the big C was now a part of my life...
I contacted those who thought i had died and told them the news, got lots of "i'm sorry" and "will keep you in our prayers" and decided that there were many things in my life that needed to be changed and rearranged and made a huge decision to actually meet face to face with this incredible man whom i had been chatting with on the internet for the past 2 and a half years. now i know that most will say what an idiot...
this guy actually knew me when i was a kid and lived in the same country as i did when i was only 11 years old and told me that he thought about me for those 40 years or 39 years and was thrilled that he finally found me....... i had NO clue who he was but he sent me this picture of us taken of the class we were in and there i was, he was behind me in the picture... i recognized me but still had no clue who he was... but my brother remembered him, was my brother who gave him all my info, email phone number etc, and that is how he contacted me... and we chatted and emailed each other every day, many times a day, for two and a half years.... i got to know more and more about this man and although i fought hard, i fell in love with him, arguing with myself and doing everything i knew how to do to scare him off, but he persisted... i dont think that the thought of 'giving up' ever entered his mind, he was determined to meet me face to face, and i finally gave in, said okay, come on over to the states and lets see what happens...........